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Joke of the Day

"I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me."

"Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney! Merry Christmas sickos! :)"

"My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right."

"Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

"Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland The barman says ""Not Yewtree again"""

"Just used the ""f word"" over on FB so I'm waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use."

"See these bags under my eyes? They're Prada."

"What is the worst place to have the ""you break it, you buy it"" rule? The pet store"

"Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes? It takes 21 days to make a habit."

"I have been smoking weed for almost 13 years. Or about a baker's dozen."