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Joke of the Day

"I'm at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier."

"I'm at an awkward weight I'm fat enough to not look good with my shirt off, but not fat enough for it to become part of my charm. I'm caught between a rock and a lard place."

"What has a tongue, cannot walk, but gets around a lot? Steven Hawking"

"""Vodka, Sambuca, Tequila, Jager!"" I'm calling the shots."

"What do you call your friend Splee at a soiree? A PARTY SPLUNGE!"

"Why did the mathematician ignore the tan lady on the beach? He was too concerned with the tan gent."

"My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I'm the racecar, sometimes I'm the iron. But usually I'm a peanut because I've lost all the game pieces."

"What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky"

"Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me."

"Two guys walk into a bar... ... I can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore."