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Joke of the Day
"ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG'S MOUTH: who's a good boy DOG: your mom ME: please take this seriously"
Next Joke
"SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second"
"i just sighed so hard that i blew out a candle that was 2 feet away from me. tragic."
"What's a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? A period because it marks the end of his sentence."
"What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)"
"Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia."
"If sex is a pain in the ass then you are doing it wrong"
"Go ahead, call the cops, lady. I got ten witnesses that'll say your baby kicked me first."
"Under the sea, under the sea...wouldn't the water pressure crush mermaids, realistically?"
"As a professional standup comedian I never do self-derogatory jokes I keep my personal life away from my professional life."