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Joke of the Day

"Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham)"

"So, a florist gave me the wrong flowers. I think they're called oopsie daisies."

"I need to get a car wash but my dogs' nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I'm gonna let that play out first."

"My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts."

"""Make him press 1 again."" ""Good."" ""Now, 3 minutes of silence."" ""He still there?"" ""Give him 18 minutes of pan flute."" - Call Center Training"

"If only life could be like the movies!* *i.e., every time someone gets a nosebleed it means they'll be dead soon"

"My lucky number is 17 so I'm really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I'll have to change my lucky number again."

"[At Neiman Marcus] *looks at sales clerk* *holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase* I don't know...which one will hold more chicken nuggets?"

"Heard of the new gay website? It's colon, enter, pound, pound, pound."

"How do you test a pirate for crabs? Swab the deck!"