161542

Joke of the Day

"A man goes to his doctor and says; Doc I think I'm addicted to twitter. Doc: Sorry, I don't follow you"

"Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let's do it/Let's make people super nervous anytime we're in their personal space"

"Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge."

"Why did the cell phone need glasses? Because it ran out of contacts."

"I just got hired as a garbage truck driver. There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along."

"Im absolutely exhausted, would you believe I have spent all week road testing penny farthings..... My feet haven't touched the ground."

"[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN"

"The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT."

"Did you hear the one about the iphone 7 headphone jack? [Removed]"

"[drug test] WEED: what did you get for #15? HEROIN: the teacher said not to share answers. COCAINE: done LSD: this paper tastes like crab"