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Joke of the Day

"Just spilled red wine ALL OVER my insides."

"One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over."

"The school called me on the phone today and said, ""Your son has been telling lies."" I replied, ""Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!"

"Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season."

"I invented a figure skating move. It's called 360 degree faceplant. It's like a normal faceplant, but with a twist."

"For the holidays I've decided to stop making puns... I'm sure yule appreciate it."

"You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'"

"What's the scariest path? The psychopath"

"Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked."

"Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here Both looked at each other And the seat remained empty :p"