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Joke of the Day

"I prefer regular taxis to Uber in NYC cause the driver and I can both treat each other like shit without worrying about getting a bad grade"

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? People like me have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer"

"When u give ur phone number at CVS turn to the person behind u in line & say ""now don't be calling me for a date"""

"*bullies advance* STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu! <laughter> *detectives arrive* Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?"

"What do you call a carnivore get-together? a meat-up"

"Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring."

"What happened when the lepers played poker? One guy threw down his hand and another laughed his head off. This was my best friend's favorite joke when she was little apparently."

"I hate how politically correct the world is becoming... No longer am I allowed to say ""black paint."" Now I have to say ""Tyrone can you please paint."""

"What do you call a bisexual Scandinavian A bi-king. I know that was terrible. Also I'm not being racist because i'm from Scandinavia."