16021

Joke of the Day

"Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with ""shut up"" written in every blank."

"I often think ""Why would anyone live in Gotham? It's a shithole!"", but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME]."

"When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn't mean be two faced."

"Something happened to me yesterday that will never ever happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday."

"What's a sailor's favorite thing to watch at sunset? Knot movies"

"I got to know that there are 15 child molesters in my area... So why do we always have to meet at my place? (Credits: Anthony Jeselnik)"

"What did the boy with no legs and arms get for Christmas? Cancer"

"I called the bookstore and asked if they had any books about constipation. She told me it hasn't come out yet"

"What's your new years resolution? Mine's 1920x1080."

"I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I'm fit but really it's just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs."