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Joke of the Day

"i look at my phone's 100% battery icon with the same fondness as proud parents watching their children bounce out of bed yelling ""pancakes!"""

"IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera"

"What do you do when you see an epileptic throwing a fit in a bath tub? You throw in some laundry and detergent."

"You can't trust anyone you meet online I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him"

"The Dallas gunman was a bit late. I know he wanted red whites in blue, but the 4th of July was like a week and a half ago."

"9 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times."

"How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar? Both enjoy cracking open a cold one."

"Why were the two Chinese scientists having trouble cloning a caucasian? Because two Wongs can't make a white."

"Ronda isn't being a poor sport ..she just needs a few months to learn how to talk again"

"Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No but if you hum a few bars I might be able to sing along with you."