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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed? Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?"

"Did you hear about the casino croupier whose hand, through a tragic accident, was reduced to a stub? Don't worry, he's dealing with it."

"Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks."

"My daughter doesn't understand why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house this morning. Filled her sippy with rum so we're on the same page."

"My wife looks for signs I'm cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?"

"speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language? American"

"I like to call my favorite sex position WOW.... It's when I flip your MOM over!"

"Date me? You can't afford the maintenance to keep me. Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria's Secret, and bail money."

"Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: ""Don't Walk."""

"2:40 is the opposite of 4:20 If you wake up at 2:40 you're in rehab and detoxing."