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Joke of the Day

"LITTLE MERMAID 2016: SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!! ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*"

"I don't drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons."

"Do you wanna know how to confuse a gay person? 7 ... It's a sign, you`re confused aren't you."

"This restaurant is so fancy they made my husband wear a jacket over his mesh half-shirt."

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars. ...I'll see myself out."

"So Kim Kardashian's arse is huge and has a lot of oil I wonder if America will invade it? Oh wait, my bad, half of America already has"

"[Bar] me: Gimme one more wife: I think you've had enough m: Last one w: Fine m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*"

"Not in a hurry - Alcoholism Is A Slow Death! - And we are not in a hurry!"

"I've been lying on the floor of this Cheesecake Factory for half an hour. Everyone keeps stepping over me"

"Every day Sunny Leone creates history... Then we have to go to Settings and delete that History."