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Joke of the Day

"""Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly"" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* ""Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"""

"i guess my favorite book would haveta be ""being and nothingness""... i was halfway done before i even started reading."

"Hate to be that guy.... ... because he's a dick. Fuck him."

"Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January."

"Why Are Germans Buried 20 Feet Underground? Because deep down they're real nice"

"What is a sluts favourite drink? 7-Up in cider"

"cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: ""the tigers should be your top priority"" cop: [scribbling out ducks] ""obviously"""

"I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence."

"What's the fastest way to get a female Officer to arrest you? Liquor."

"[right after my lie detector test] -Make sure that machine shows I've had plenty of the sex ""Sir that's not what it does- -I SAID MAKE SURE"