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Joke of the Day

"What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze"

"""Can you cook dinner tonight?"" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light"

"Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep? Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!"

"My friend turned up to my costume party dressed as an abacus. I knew I could count on him."

"Intelligent people are some of the biggest idiots I've ever met."

"I went out for a vindaloo last night and my arse is really sore today I can't believe some of the things I do for a free curry."

"Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating"

"Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car."

"""DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU."" -real thing I just said to my son"

"Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like not being allowed to leave the table until you finish your brussels sprouts."