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Joke of the Day

"Magician: ""Think of a card."" Me: ""Okay."" Magician: ""You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!"" Me: ""I was thinking about a get well soon card."""

"What was the name of the time traveler with good timing? Justin Time."

"A man goes to prison and his cell mate asks ""are you going to be mummy or daddy?"" ""ahh...daddy"" the man replies nervously. ""fine. Now get over here and suck mummy's cock!"""

"Me: OMG, I haven't seen you in so long! Her: We've never met. Me: That long huh?"

"The *real* reason Hitler lost the war. He forgot to put speed limits on his highways so the enemy vehicles could drive as fast as they wanted to."

"I was a pilot at 10 years old... It's true! My brother would chop it and I'd pile it."

"I always feel a little sad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants or lost his family in a fire."

"A red boat and a blue boat crash into each other in the ocean... All the passengers were marooned."

"It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train."

"A Roman walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says ""I'll have five beers"". (Not mine)"