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Joke of the Day

"A girl gave me a dirty look for holding the door... Sheez, I'll never hold the door for them again especially when I have to piss badly."

"If I don't mention you, then the tweet/status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it."

"Why did the man wear a frog for a condom? So he was ribbit for her pleasure."

"A tee-shirt idea For tourists in Virginia: ""Congratulations on losing your Virginia-ty"""

"An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick."

"LPT: How to meet the man/woman of your dreams. Go to sleep. [Heard this from a friend so not mine and probably not hers]"

"Checking my phone one more time before I go to sleep because apparently 533 times wasn't enough today."

"I feel like I could beat a polygraph test every time I tell someone that I'll make sure to return the Tupperware that the dish came in."

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You house back, your wife back, your dog back, your truck back..."

"If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless."