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Joke of the Day

"I got 45 pages into writing my autobiography before I realized I was just typing the lyrics to Smash Mouth's ""All Star"" over and over again."

"I am 72% Jesus Jesus walked on water. Watermelons are 72% water. I can walk on watermelons. Therefore, I'm 72% Jesus."

"What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus."

"Active voice: I loved your book Passive voice: Your book was loved Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book"

"When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back."

"[ This one from the great /u/KingOfRibbles ] ""My sink was a bit dirty-"" ""-but all it needed was a little ...wiping!!!"""

"So I caught my dog chewing on a tree yesterday. He said the bark was really rough."

"I wonder if skunks ever think, ""why do I smell like a pound of weed?"""

"[hospital] ""We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach."" ""Is that bahahaad?"" ""Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."""

"Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit."