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Joke of the Day

"Ordered ribs so I'd have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll"

"Don't let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It's 100% true, but it's more fun if it's a surprise."

"The doctor's had some troubles convincing Jim he had gone deaf. He wouldn't hear it."

"My friend said he knew of a way to always win in Russian roulette I can't tell you what it was, but let's just say... My mind was blown"

"How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear."

"What's a cherry's favorite sex position? on top"

"Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*"

"Tom Cruise starts a cooking show... ""Whisky Business."" Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right? Right?"

"If I had an email for every Hillary Clinton joke being made right now I'd have none."

"Why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work? He thought nothing could possibly travel faster than sea."