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Joke of the Day

"[bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish"

"I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open. Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way."

"Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank."

"[First Date] Him: Great dress. Me: Oh, this? *flips hair* *twirls* *skirt flares* *foot catches* *face plants* Him: Me: Hey! Come back!"

"Everyone lies on their resume but I fear I may have gone overboard with 'immortal' and 'shoots lasers from eyes' and 'hardworking'."

"I wish Laffy Taffy made a more modestly wrapped version for funerals and other occasions where laffing isn't appropriate."

"""911 whats your emerge-"" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES"

"What is the difference between Hitler and a car? A car can finish a race"

"I love Christmas lights! ... they remind me of politicians. They all hang together, half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!"

"50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You're Not Getting Laid"