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Joke of the Day

"Waiter: Ready to order? Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur? W: ... M: ... W: ... M: Whiskey."

"If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit. I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won."

"Vets aren't doctors: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help? Mom: My son broke his leg! Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck."

"Apparently, occupants aren't 8 legged pants for octopi"

"What's the difference between a Women's cross country team and midget geniuses? The midget geniuses are cunning runts."

"I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity... ...70% of the internet is being completely wasted."

"'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house."

"Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap."

"There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends."

"If Math was a dick, I'd be gay. Because I suck at it."