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Joke of the Day

"What do you call it when alpacas with speech impediments take over Earth? The Alpacalisp."

"Q: Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder? A: So he could shoot his mouth off."

"""would u like some dessert?"" i ask the moose head above the fireplace ""no thanks im stuffed"" i reply, in a slightly deeper voice"

"Why Didn't The Skeleton Go To The Party? Because he had no body to go with"

"[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I'm not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don't like you."

"Serving weak coffee should be a criminal offense."

"Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn't tell anyone."

"Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I'm good-looking, so I'm, like, nah."

"Tips to reduce weight... First turn your head to the right and then to the left. Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!"

"What's long and green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger."