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Joke of the Day

"I'm so glad that Twitter keeps track of my number of posts. It is so refreshing to be able to properly quantify my wasted time."

"the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually ""cloaking"" they just turned all their lights off"

"What's a Catholic's favorite way to send money? PayPal"

"Walking around Brooklyn, slapping people's brunches to the ground."

"The trick to being happy is to keep a positive outlook: For example, my ongoing effort to break the world record for most ramen eaten while single is going great!"

"something taste funny you know you have a bad underbite if every time your eating out your girlfriend it taste like shit"

"When I was 13 I prayed to God to lengthen my penis by 1"". I think I made him angry. Either that or the Olympian Gods answered my prayer."

"There's a fox in our garden! I mean a real fox, not a sexy person! Although, I am also now in the garden. There are two foxes in our garden!"

"I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, ""I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."" Then when people ask me what it means..."

"My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week."