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Joke of the Day

"SON: Mom, Grandma is so annoying, I wish she will just die. MOTHER: Idiot, it's your mother that will die, not mine."

"I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!"

"18: I'm going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues. Me: ..."

"Text abbreviations date back to the days of the telegraph with common shorthand like DFMWOL for ""Dying From Musket Wound Out Loud."""

"Old Chinese proverb: Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted."

"Mr. Belichick how do you feel about these accusations against your organization? Deflated."

"I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat's carpet right now."

"How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy"

"Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are."

"I'm a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning."