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Joke of the Day

"Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot."

"My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes."

"My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me."

"""Incontinence hotline... ...can you hold?"""

"my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems"

"What did the sassy monkey say to the bad monkey? You don't deserve a banana."

"They don't have blood banks in England ... ... but they do have a liver pool."

"A Spaniard, a Dutchman and an Englishman walk into a bar The Icelander couldn't make it because he's still at the Euros."

"I once dated a midget... I was nuts over her"

"Brain: You've got ONE shot at this. Me: Ready. Brain: Go talk to her. ""YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?"" Brain: Magical!"