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Joke of the Day

"Dear Internet, Once and for all, I agree to ALL ""the terms and conditions"" that have or will ever exist. Jeez!"

"I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number."

"What do nuclear physicists eat for lunch? Fission Chips."

"My girlfriend's a crappy computer ... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't."

"Did you hear about the guy who tried to mend his belt with watches? It was a waste of time"

"Why reddit is a murderer. Because it killed me battery"

"Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?"

"Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle."

"Schrodinger's Hater gonna both hate and not hate."

"[taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard"