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Joke of the Day
"What do you get when you enter a cow into the Kentucky Derby? Milk and Bookies."
Next Joke
"I watched Mad Max and now I'm riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns"
"A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM. Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal."
"How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot."
"Playing as japan in a ww2 game You know I never really liked Japanese weaponry... there just not my type"
"*puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*"
"""open up, this is the police!"" ""well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-"" ""no the door open up the door"""
"Sorry I didn't text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn't want to mess up my phone."
"Why do I always say yes to everything? I just don't no."
"[Commercial for axes] [A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods] *Turns to camera* ""There has to be a better way?"""