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Joke of the Day

"I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined. I literally can't buy shit."

"A night-shift nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says... ""Oh damn it, some asshole has my pen!"""

"My friend says she's doing good but she means well"

"Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you're fooling?"

"""As long as you append my name to a quote,... people would buy into it and take it seriously."" - Winston Churchill"

"4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?"

"Every cab ride for me is 75% fake laughter."

"What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch"

"I'm going to name my son Red so he'll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both."

"If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane... ....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking"