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Joke of the Day

"It's oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents' Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do."

"Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!"

"My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons. At least that's what I had to tell child services just now."

"What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions? A Humblebee."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Him: why did the chicken cross the road? Her: I don't know. Him: to go to the shops. Do you think that's funny? Her: No. Him: neither did the chicken."

"You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like? [cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives] Your survival instincts take over"

"What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is sick bird."

"*pops the hood* ""Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt"" .. Umm r u sure you work here? *lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*"

"Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought."

"I hate when people talk behind my back. They disscuss me."