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Joke of the Day

"What is the only part of a vegetable you cant eat? The wheelchair!"

"""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"" my dad told me. ""Are you kidding? Really?"" I shouted. ""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour."""

"I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, ""This is why we have to stay in school"""

"Missed Connections: hey, are you that woman I saw? Any of them? Call me."

"Damn girl, if you was a fruit you'd be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could."

"There was a failed art theft today... the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh."

"As I was checking into the hotel I asked, 'Is the porn channel disabled?' The girl at the desk said, 'No, you sick bastard'."

"Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911"

"My left hand is dominant. Sometimes it spanks my right one."

"If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!"