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Joke of the Day

"How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ? Melon-collie !"

"My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said ""can you hear me?"""

"What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One WALKS on the MOON, and the other fucks little children."

"If you were a pizza... you'd be a pizza shit!"

"Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still."

"If hearing ""I love you"" was enough, we'd all buy parrots and live happily ever after."

"What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?"

"I have an irrational fear that I'm accidentally making up words. I don't want to be misunderstandable."

"I didn't want the cop to see that my car's registration tags weren't current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too"

"[remodel] Me: can you please keep that awful noise down? Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don't control who's running for president."