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Joke of the Day

"This guy gave me a free copy of his book today. An actual printed copy! I had no idea they were still doing this kind of thing. It's fancy."

"Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either."

"You can't give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I'm a model doing a photo shoot. It's science."

"What do you call it when a frog jumps off a bridge? Kermitting suicide."

"Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster."

"Don't force funny huh? Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and...unless we become fast friends... ...he's losing a knee cap."

"* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep * decided to remember a ""key word* so I can remember it * wakes up * forgot key word"

"I do laundry so infrequently that anything not filthy feels fancy. ""Woah two clean socks? What is this, prom night!?"""

"Opinions are like orgasms. I don't care if a woman has one."

"I can't wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it."