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Joke of the Day

"What happened to the man in crutches when he heard a punny joke he couldn't bear to stand it."

"Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?"

"How do you piss off a Texan? Cut Alaska in two and make Texas the third largest state!"

"Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover? When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum."

"People who pull on the back of your seat to stand up on a plane/bus are worse than Jeffrey Dahmer."

"I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was."

"I had a parrot that talked . . . but it never said, ""I'm hungry."" So it died."

"Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy."

"What do you call a hippy's wife? Mississippi."

"I had the dream again, the one where I show up to a standardized test with a no.3 pencil."