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Joke of the Day

"I just put in new countertops in my kitchen... Granite, they're not marble, but still..."

"I burnt 1200 calories today! I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven."

"My sister said she won't let me see her kids because I'm a sex offender! Who would keep a father from their own kids?"

"I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb"

"Q: Why must judges learn to spell well? A: They must follow the letter of the law."

"Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than ""Unlimited Talk."""

"So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh? *changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*"

"Did you know Donald Trump has a different hairpiece for each occasion? He even has toupe for sex."

"Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?"

"Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write 'would of' instead of 'would have' as human shields."