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Joke of the Day

"I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me."

"If you get kissed by an alpaca it's not the end of the world. It's the alpaca-lips."

"You don't know me. I'm PID 1, init."

"So an electric pole fell on my head today I couldn't believe it cause it was so shocking"

"Me: C'mon, baby. Just the tip? Her: No! Me: Awww, cmon! Her: No, you're paying the whole bill this time."

"I'm jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have."

"[interview] What is your greatest strength? ""Throwing my voice"" You're hired! ""Ok great, thanks"" Wait I didn't say- oh wow you're good"

"What do you call a hispanic gas? Cabron Dioxide!"

"I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about"

"My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle."