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Joke of the Day

"I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me."

"My dog 'Fat Jessie' died yesterday, but I don't mind... She was a massive bitch."

"[Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1...2... Sir, what are you 3...4...I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*"

"The difference between an epileptic oyster sucker and a hooker with diarrhea? one shucks between fits."

"""How long have you been chopping wood for?"" ""I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"""

"[Married pillow-talk] Husband: What's your deepest fantasy? Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table."

"What's white and 12 inches?? Nothing"

"My superpower is acting like I'm trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it."

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat."

"Did you hear about that new restaurant they put on the moon? Supposed to have great food but there's just no atmosphere..."