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Joke of the Day

"A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money and your wife is still around."

"I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex."

"This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much"

"[walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no"

"I committed a petty theft today... The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery."

"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogy in it!"

"I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?"

"A forgetful guy walks into a bar... ..Hm?. Oh shit,I've forgotten it!."

"I'm going to hell. Q: whats the hardest part about cooking a vegetable A: getting the wheelchair into the oven edit: formating"

"Why did the creator of 9gag call it that? Because that was how many dicks he could fit in his mouth before he gagged."