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Joke of the Day

"I committed a petty theft today... The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery."

"Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake."

"First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got."

"I have what CNN is calling 'snow fatigue' symptoms include: Being tired of winter A sudden desire for spring Thoughts of murderous rage"

"Why don't we hear cannibal jokes anymore? Because after they ate the clowns, nothing is funny."

"[GRAND CANYON] WIFE: Isn't this incredible? ME: It's ok. WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons? ME: I don't want to talk about it"

"""Daddy will u tuck me in?:)"" ""Ok"" *tucks him in* ""Daddy sing me a song:)"" ""Ok"" *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H"

"Wanna here a joke? Women's rights. Sorry if this has been posted before."

"""You're just not my cup of tea"" I say to someone else's cup of tea."

"The service on my iPhone is so bad I'm thinking of calling it my AOL phone."