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Joke of the Day

"Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping."

"My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling."

"My friend told me he thought I was a hipster. I told him I thought I was a hipster way before he did."

"My wife wanted bigger breasts. I told her to rub toilet paper between them and over time they'll grow huge. She asked, ""How do you know it will work?"" ""It worked for your ass didn't it?!"""

"""People should never again say that if they had a time machine, they'd go back & stop Hitler. Because we now know nobody would."" - my kid"

"My wife and i got along so much better... When we were just brother and sister"

"Microsoft has realized that all their products get better PR by naming it after Halo mythology. I'm expecting the next Windows version to be Windows 117."

"#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it's at!"

"What did the man say when he accidentally bumped into the astronaut? ""I Apollo-gize"""

"I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through."