150460

Joke of the Day

"All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream."

"If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write ""No DMs"" in your bio."

"A roman walks into a bar... A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martini, the bartender gives him two and the Roman walks away happy."

"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date."

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph... Cause he's not a full ese"

"Little known fact: Henry Ford called it an automobile because ""Horse with no Name"" sounded stupid."

"[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the symbol] DREW: ooh that's 8 days in the hole CONTESTANT: what? [hole opens in the ground]"

"Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands"

"A blonde and a burnette are on opposite sides of a river... The burnette yells to the blonde ""how do I get to the other side?"" The blonde yells back ""you are on the other side!"""

"I've decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It's pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I'm angry."