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Joke of the Day

"Give Michael Cera a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll be like, ""ewww you have to touch worms? Gross"""

"What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one"

"SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised They do not look surprised at all"

"Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today."

"I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating."

"Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender."

"What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!"

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped."

"What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction. I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure."

"I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun."