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Joke of the Day

"""I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty"" It's fall?? ""Ya, so what?"" [leaves start attacking everyone] OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED"

"[date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure"

"What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette? I don't have a corvette in my garage."

"""He bat batly down the bat, but the bat turned bat before he got bat."" Mad Libs with Batman is boring."

"Use this to start a conversation with a stranger. ""On a hot day nothing feels more relaxing then butt chugging a slushy. Say, do you have a funnel?"""

"[speaking at funeral] Deceased's brother: there's no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now Me: what about 'anguish'?"

"Do people who go to the gym to ""feel the burn"" know nothing of Mexican food?"

"Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac..? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog..."

"You're not an American until you've eaten more than the serving suggestion."