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Joke of the Day

"Fine! I do actually believe in a higher being.. His name is Jonathan and he's about 5 inches higher than me. That bastard."

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"lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name me: laser guardian"
"What do you call a Mexican midget lady? Cuntswaylow"
"I've always been a dog person, but I have never had a close friend that was a cat person. I just find that cats taste too gamy."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman... I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ""Where's the self-help section?"" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother"
"When it comes to self deprecation I'm the just worst."
"Yes, mother, I have gained weight. No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people."
"what do u call a tilt-a-whirl operator with a sunburn? carne asada"
"Jesus must've had a fortune if he paid for all my sins"
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