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Joke of the Day

"If I find myself at Paula Deen's house, I'll be sure to stay out of the kitchen. There's an oven in there. Jews in Stews #paulasbestdishes"

"I like my coffee like I like my women Cinnamon roasted, french pressed, with bit of sugar, and I'll add my own cream."

"When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order."

"Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket"

"Apparently ""I'll break your god damn legs"" isn't the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway."

"LESBIANS' FLOORING Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor? A. They're all laid with tongue and groove."

"My wife claims to be very good at yoga... but I think she's just a poser."

"Whats long and hard and has cum in it? a cucumber"

"Ok parents who refer to their kids by age... I can play too. ""22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies"""

"'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it."