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Joke of the Day

"My grandfather got his tongue cut out in a POW camp He doesn't like to talk about it."

"Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot."

"I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive."

"A Diamond Comes home to his Coal wife and Coal Child He says ""I've been under a lot of pressure lately (Edit: Just realized this was on the front page gaddamit)"

"What did one turnip say to the other? We're white and bulbous, just like America"

"When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard? Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother."

"Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy is he sorry. The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin."

"What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows."

"What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears? ""You're hired"" ""Not guilty"""

"I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for Christmas... If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself. - From The Sopranos"