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Joke of the Day

"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor."

" I am under the influence. I am above the influence. I AM THE INFLUENCE."""

"Interviewer: ""What's your greatest accomplishment?"" Me: ""I was in a lot of people's MySpace Top 8s back in 2004."""

"Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it."

"If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road."

"What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer."

"My friend just told me I don't know how to make jokes. That's shit because I once sent ten of my puns to an online contest. No, they didn't make it to the finals... No pun in ten did."

"I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work"

"people who say ""guess what"" and make you actually guess make me want to die"

"What is the difference between a feminist and a cat? One of them is annoying, dangerous, hairy, lazy, disgusting and filthy and the other one is just a feminist"