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Joke of the Day

" I am under the influence. I am above the influence. I AM THE INFLUENCE."""

"Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard? Because he's no good at shaving."

"As a kid I've always wanted to be Batman when I grew up but then i was disappointed by a sudden realization... I have parents"

"Q: Did you hear about the robbery at the flower shop? A: It was a violet crime."

"There are three kinds of people in the world... ...Those who can count, and those who can't."

"Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards."

"Hey, ancient Egyptians! I'm eating popcorn that I cooked inside a bag in under a minute. Fuck your pyramids."

"""It's a boy!"" I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel."

"This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck..."

"I once went on a date with a girl called Simile... I don't know what I metaphor."