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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a American football team full of retards? Special teams"

"Just finished typing this tweet."

"Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? 'cause if they fell forward, they'd still be in the Fuckin' boat! I'll show myself out."

"Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple."

"Gangstas Why do gangsters turn their guns to the side? So their hats are right side up when they go to aim."

"Top 5 oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp 2. Civil war 3. Virtual reality 4. Great outdoors 5. Family vacation"

"Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint? He suffered blunt force trauma"

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day... teach a man to fish and you create a market for bait and tackle."

"When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes. Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour."

"*dumps more fleas on my head* *sits back down in front of chimpanzee* So, anyway, like I was saying..."