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Joke of the Day

"Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions."

"Dr: Are you sexually active? Me: *cries* Dr: Um, are you sexually- Me: *cries harder* Dr: .....Ok. Do you drink? Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK"

"Two chicken are gossiping... And one of them says to the other: ""You know Brad?"" ""Yeah."" ""He's a total dick."""

"I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house."

"What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider? Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider."

"What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget? Tom Cruise"

"Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons."

"What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up? A high low small medium at large."

"Watched golf for two hours before realizing that the TV was off."

"Why did Susie fall of the swing set? Because she had no arms."