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Joke of the Day

"Even if oil prices go down, I'm still going to siphon gas from my neighbor's car because I like the adrenaline rush and he's an asshole."

"Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress."

"Cop: where ya headed? ""the gym"" Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you ""thank you so much, officer"""

"Mcdonalds will be serving a new burger which you cant touch. Its called the Mchammer."

"How is being married like puttin' on a tin roof? If you don't nail her good she'll be at the neighbors."

"I need constant reassurance, right?"

"My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark."

"Tim: This is Tim from accounting. Me: Hi Tim from accounting. Tim: Just say Tim. Me. Tim. Tim: How are you today? Me: Tim."

"With great power come great.. power bills. *- Uncle Ben, electrician.*"

"Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day - Jared Fogle"