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Joke of the Day

"Tim: This is Tim from accounting. Me: Hi Tim from accounting. Tim: Just say Tim. Me. Tim. Tim: How are you today? Me: Tim."

"What do you call an Eskimo who's a peeping tom? Itookalook"

"On our honeymoon, more than anything, I wanted to join the Mile High Club... ...but my wife didn't give a flying fuck"

"On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump"

"A criminal tried to escape federal jurisdiction by running across the southern border, but then he had a sudden realization.. He was in Tasmania"

"Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose."

"How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the f out of ""safe"" and the f out of ""way""."

"3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret ""What it is, sweetie?"" 3: [shouting] I POOPED! ""Do you know what a secret is?"" 3: [whispering] no."

"I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know."

"Joke of the Day 6/12/14 The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,and I said "" Did you get my drift?""."