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Joke of the Day

"What did the Ice Cream say to the Birthday Girl? Go 'head girl, it's sherbert day"

"*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit."

"Netflix has a doc called ""Fascism in Colour""; wouldn't this be more of a ""black-and-white"" issue?"

"You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!"

"What's the difference between sixty-nining and driving in the fog? When you're driving in the fog you can't see the asshole in front of you!"

"me *dead*: at least I don't have to pay student loans *Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info."

"If Jesus could walk on water and cucumbers are 96% water and I can walk on cucumbers does that mean the other 4% accounts for Jesus's dick?"

"I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies... It's a ""below knee sandwich"""

"[1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*"

"I am going to follow a random gang of drunk girls around the night club tonight, and just be in the background of all of their photos."