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Joke of the Day

"I got stuck in a blender. Pour me..."

"Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote."

"What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code."

"nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou."

"How Many Surrealists Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? Fish"

"Why did the redneck cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken."

"donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD! waiter: lol no I said soup OR s- [assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce"

"My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer. Girlfriend: ""I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."" Me: ""No baby wait, I can change..."""

"[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! ""Thanks"" Anytime, pumpkin! ""You're sweet"" You're one in vermillion!"

"My coworker doesn't like me which is weird bc her husband does."